It’s almost impossible to convey quite how simultaneously awful and brilliant this zero-budget conspiracy thriller is. With the production values of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, a conspiracy storyline even crazier than a Dan Brown creation, and acting of the Street Fighter: The Movie variety, the film doesn’t seem to have much going for it. But somehow it manages to be amusingly enjoyable.

The opening is terrible in so many ways. The indescribably annoying Zoe (Lucy Evans) is whining to her friend Sarah about how she is going to quit university so that she can continue her romantic tryst with tutor Malcolm (David Horton and/or a plank of wood, I couldn’t tell sometimes). After a few drinks, Zoe decides she’s going to Malcolm’s flat to confront him and that, for some reason, Sarah must come too. When they arrive, they find that his flat is a mesh of wires and computers, and that his mouthy, disabled friend Declan is working with a self-harming emo called Kendra to hack into the Vatican’s mainframe.

“Why would they do something like this?” I hear you cry. Could it be to uncover a web of power and control that’s infiltrated the highest forms of government? No. Could it be that religion is all a fallacy designed to subdie the masses? No. It’s far, far more insane than that. The reasoning goes thusly:

The Bible is one big, complex code which can be broken down and used to predict exactly what happens in the future. Better still, this code doesn’t just work vertically and horizontally, like a crossword, or even vertically, horizontally and diagonally like a word search, oh no; it doesn’t just work in three dimensions even. In fact, so complex is the Bible, that it works in SEVEN DIMENSIONS to predict every event that will ever happen in the world. But, and here’s the snag, it will only work with the original text – an artefact only owned by the vatican.

As if this wasn’t weird enough, psychic spies from the CIA get involved in the action, disable Declan becomes a demi-God and unseen forces work to gradually kill off the collection of annoying characters one by one in a series of increasingly fantastical events.

It’s low-fi, poorly scripted and hideously performed nonsense; but it never lets up its pace in a bid to become the craziest thriller ever made… or at least ever made on a ropey old shoestring. And you know what? However lame the parts of this film may be, the sum seems to just about pull it off.